Sunflower County Freedom Project

I left

Dear Diary,

  I bet you thought since I left I would not have time to write.Ha Ha! College, College, College. On one had it is the most liberating feeling you can ever have. You're on your own, you're your own boss. It's great. But on the other hand it is scary. A new place with newer greater challenges to face. You think this is the place I been working to get to why does it feel so abnormal. When your parents leave you scream YES! Then you open you eyes and realize I'm own my own.That my story anyway.

   Then I went to class and I realized I can handle this. IT would not be easy, I would have to work but I could handle. All of you Freedom Project students you will be able to handle this. You are being taught to handle this. You'll make it and do well.

     As I sit here today and I look back on all the time I wondered what I was doing in that Math class at school I did not need to graduate or why I was studying when I had a high enough average to fail one test.Or yes even why I was at the Freedom Project that early an a Saturday Morning. I think how glad I am that I stayed there or I studied. This is where it counts. College. I have to exhale when I say that. That's how unbelievable it is. I am here! Because of those things above. You chance it now students. You make the choice to go to a good school by what you choose to do now. The Freedom Project is a great opportunity to propell you own to where you want to be. To help you find and get your purpose. I am where I am largely due to what I learned at the Freedom Project. And it's bracing and freeing. The choice is yours. Hold your hands together palms facing up. Now look at them and tell me what you see. Lines? Dirt? No I see your future. I see teachers and doctors and lawyers in your hands. My point is it's in you hands. Your future your success is in your hands, you control it. You can drop it or embrace it but it's in your hands. I miss you all!

                                             Chris(Mr.Perkins)

P. S. Hey D.J

                        

Project Wilson

Dear Diary,

This week has been one of challenge. I never thought of myself as the giving up type. Of course I never thought of my self as any type. I did think it would be rude and unjust to the readers I do have to end this blog conversation without telling you one thank you  for reading and two the end of a story you have followed one way or another for so long.

            My hands shake as I write the final words to a story that has been my life for so long. The best way I can think of to end this story is the same way I told it with the truth. Following this idea I am taken back to something Mr. Myers told me last summer. He said, and I’m sure I wrote about this some time in the past, he said “you have to reach a point when you know you have done all you can do and then stop.” not give up but stop! For a long time I never saw myself stopping giving up or doing anything else of that nature. I always told him, “Mr. Wilson as long as you are trying I will to.”

            But that’s just it I don’t feel that he’s trying anymore. It’s like were taking steps backwards from last summer and not the normal two steps forward one step back I have become accustomed to but just steps backwards. It got so bad I had to leave the room to avoid doing or saying I don’t know what to him. The thought of him brought tears to my eyes and the sight or the mere sound of his voice infuriated me. In the bathroom in the middle of class I deicide that there was nothing I could do anymore. I realized that I must stick true to my word if he quit I must quit as well. What else could I do? Of course when these opinions were voiced to him I got the habitual I’m sorry and I want do it again. But after a while the hearing of those words over and over again they become nothing, just that words. I felt my insides shut down.  I lost something.

            Yesterday I was so angry I could not breath, today I’m fine, in a loose understanding of the word. I just no longer expect anything beyond what I’m going to get out of him. I know what he will and will not do and so that’s what I expect. There’s no anger, no disappointment, no tears just this. What you get is what you get. It’s not the way I wanted it to end or what I envisioned when I started this but it’s the way it is. Hum!   Looks like I lied when I said no tears but even they don’t change reality they never have.

            All of this is not saying that I don’t believe in him or his ability to do well. I know he can, I really do. In fact most of this is some feeling that I have never felt before that I can’t name right now. Numbness sort of.  And there may be some exaggeration in my story brought on by that hurt or numbness. I don’t know. I don’t really believe that he has quite completely or that he has completely stopped trying. But something I can’t control or help is wrong.

In the end nothing would make me happier than to see him succeed and I know he will I don’t question it but I do question my ability to be a part of it.

Unfamiliar

          Wow! It has been a long time since I last spoke to you! I guess I'm at a really unfamiliar time in my life. With all the new changes that are going on it’s hard to keep track of the old things worth holding own to. At least until it’s time to let those go as well.

          Right now I’m on the third year trip with the younger kids in the Ole Miss library. The teachers are hiving fun testing the student’s teamwork and leadership ability and I’m pretty sure the students are enjoying it as well.

          Other than that I really don’t know what to write. The entire process of writing, of speaking, seams unfamiliar to me, and those where things I was good at. Still I find solitude and home in the Freedom Project one of the only things that isn’t unfamiliar to me. Even still I find it hard to find something to write about today. My life is not doing to bad! I’m about to start my second summer as an SCFP teacher and I graduated a couple of weeks ago with honors number 10 in my class and I just got back from

Mexico

, which was great. I guess all that’s left for me to do is pack up and leave.

          Something I’ve hungered for since ninth grade. I remember standing in the lunch line thinking to myself all the things I’d do to get out of this place. Thinking about how the day could not come fast enough. I remember wanting to punch down the walls in my classroom just to get out. And now I am out that is. It doesn’t as good as I thought it would. I don’t feel the freedom I though I would; something is still holding me back. Do I even have to say what it is? It’s a combination of things starting with my love for my students and ending with my fear of leaving them.

Chris Perkins

Thank You

  This week has been one of fear. The time of my departure is almost here and it still scares me. I have always been here and for my friends, and my students and it scare’s me to think that I won't be able to do that anymore. I guess I have to take comfort in the fact that I have taught them all I can and that they are equipped with some of what they need to succeed. But even that thought does not give me comfort. In Saturday School we had to write a message to the younger student, I could not even read it because just writing it made my eyes water.

But that's not what I want to dwell on today. I would like to talk about a special student and friend of mine. I just would like to say Thanks to him. When I started teaching last summer I had only one goal in mind. I wanted to give those students what the Freedom Project gave me. I wanted to teach the values of life and erase the fake values of the nobodies instilled in them by nobodies. My dream was to create a faction of students who truly believed in the precepts and concepts of the Freedom Project and would use them to succeed. I wanted my life to be a model to follow. I only have a few students I can say that worked for and today I would like to talk about one of them

My fondest memory of Mr. Moore is from last summer. I pulled all my students aside one at a time and I told them how well they did over the summer. I almost missed Mr. Moore but I caught him just before he went out the door. I pulled him to the side and I said what I had to say. Just as I was finishing Mr. Moore said Thank you and out of nowhere he gave me the biggest hug I had ever gotten from anyone. I knew then that at least in one student I had made a difference. That moment had to be one of the most moving and profound in my life. The feeling such as that is indescribable but it did one thing for me. It opened my eyes. If I could move a student to that, so he valued education that anything is possible.

      He has often told me I motivate him to succeed. He has said I am his friend simply because I am going to college or making A’s. It's weird but he motivates me as well. Because I know as long as I do he will want to. I want to succeed because of students like him. To give them a positive role model. I laugh at myself now looking back at when I was first offered the job. I almost said no because I was not sure I could do it. Then I think about Mr. Moore and I’m glad I took a chance.

 Thank You Mr. Moore.  You are one of my many reasons for my cause, my goals, and my difference. Embrace your eccentric personality, it’s what makes you special.

 Chris Perkins

Me!

Dear Diary,

This week has been one of renewals. I have been thinking lately about something. I was not sure I wanted to write but I went to hear a speaker Friday and he spoke on the subject. I knew then I had to tell someone.

            He said people today have a problem with being different. No one wants to stand out. They think it’s a bad thing. I agreed! I see people all the time that would rather conform then show their true wonderful selves. If there is one thing I dislike it is conformity. I would much rather be myself because like Mr. Byrd, that’s the speaker, said I have something you wish you could do, just as you have something I wish I could do.

            I tie myself into this story by thinking back to the other day when I was at the store. I never go clothes shopping mind you but I went that day. I was looking around and I say a couple of shirts I thought I liked. The first thing that popped into my head was Mr. Wilson would like these shirts. When I got home, shirts in hand, I found my self thinking about why Mr. Wilson popped in to my head as I saw the shirts and then why I even brought them. There must have been something about the shirts I liked. I had seen them before and I liked them. But why did I buy them. I thought about all the other things I do that may be questionable. Many other things came to my mind.

            After spending so much time with it on my mind I began to wonder who I even was. How much of me is really me? How much of me are things I like or want? I looked thought everything from my closet to my homework. Almost everything about me is a product of something or someone else. So I asked the question again who am I? What do I really like? How can a person tell? I came to the conclusion that maybe I am just a collection of other people, other views, other names rapped up into one. Chris Perkins. Maybe that’s who Chris Perkins is. But it doesn’t stop the wondering. I do I separate me from that collection. Or do I even want to.  For what? Don’t get me wrong I love who I am and embrace being different, eccentric even. But there is something about knowing.\

                            Chris Perkins

Successful Brothers

Dear Diary,

This week, these last few weeks, has been ones of pit stop. Have you ever been reading a long book and you skip head to see how long the chapter is or have you ever been on a long read trip and you see a sign the says 100 miles to the next big town. Its not were you going or that not the last chapter you’re going to read that night but you want to know. You think if I make it there I will be alright. You  don’t stop at all of them of course in fact it’s a split second you make it to the point and you pass it and form a new goal that’ not your ending point that is until you get to your ending point.

Things are calm now. Mr. Wilson’s grades are on a slow but steady incline. Though we are having different problems and for the first time in a long while I feel like I can take a rest. The war is not over but a battle has been won. Now the solution is at a stand still waiting to be started again. For a while now I have been on a pit stop waiting to start again. I’m not sure but I think I hate it. I hate the solution being at a stand still because I feel that there is still something to be done.

But that is not what I wanted to write about today. A while a go Mr. Brown, Mr. Wilson, Mr. McCoy, and I got into a heated discussion. At the time the two of them started a dance group. Now I have nothing against dance groups but when you are below a C student and this group is taking up more of your time than you school work then there is a problem. And I let them know that’s how I felt. Mr. McCoy asked the question why can’t we have an all male Black group that instead of praising dance or street gangs or low pants it praises education and hard work. A question Mr. Brown tried but neither one of them could answer. It got me thinking. Why don’t we have a group like that! One that praises all the things I try to teach the kids to value everyday. I thought of all the aspects it would have things like Perseverance, Work ethic, Determination, just being Successful. And it came to me, what the name would be SB Successful Brothers, not excluding any race or gender just Successful Brothers. Then I though why not? Why can’t there be a group this great with these aspects. All over my school there are groups, which is where the boys got the idea. But none of them have any educational aspects. I think the black race is about much more than dancing and living on the street corner. So I brought it to life. It may forever be just me but at least it will exist. The solution takes another step! Taking breaks but never ending.

                                          Chris Perkins

To Mr. Brown

Dear Diary,

     Ahh. That’s sound of me breathing a sigh of relief. Freed from the past weeks pains and pressures of every day life and the seemingly inescapable anger I felt from not being where I want to be or achieving the goals I set. But this week has been one of new experiences! We have made it back from the Drama Trip and for some reason I have a new found happiness. The frown that was attached to my face last week has been lifted by a host of good heart warming feelings. So I sit here happy and ready to start my week.
     Since the summer I have been a beacon for the younger students especially the boys. This I don’t have a problem with in fact, I encourage it. Nothing makes me happier than helping a student with homework or giving advice or more times than other things pointing them in the right direction. But it can be a task. Especially when dealing with Mr. Brown. I have never mentioned Mr. Brown here before but it is about time I did and hopefully by the end of this entry you will understand why.
      Mr. Brown is a very energetic student, very excitable and nothing makes him happier, aside from dancing, then being around Mr. Perkins. One morning on the Drama Trip I was preparing to leave the room when I noticed Mr. Brown, who was not my roommate, following me around the room doing exactly as I did from shaving to putting on his shoes.
       Mr. Brown is a fabulous student with great potential. He amazes me with his ability to understand and improve when he sets his mind to it. He is inquisitive and he listens to me always. Never have I meet a student so open to change a good and bad thing. Sometimes he is a little annoying but a great student none the less.
       Mr. Brown often tells me that I treat him differently because he often annoys me. Before the Drama Trip I told him he did not know what he was talking about. But Mr. Brown impressed me so much on the Drama that I realized that there was a "specialness" about him that I was over looking. I have been so focused on helping those students I thought needed it the most that I over looked the students who did not need it or needed it just as much but escaped my sight.
      At the end of the trip I had no choice but to give him the praise he had earned on the trip. I applaud you for your great work Mr. Brown and for striving to become the epitome of our team word perseverance. I apologize to Mr. Brown he is a wonderful student and I look forward to working with the calm version of him.

                                               Chris Perkins

Crystal Eyes

Dear Diary,

 

This week has been one of deep thought! Have you ever felt that there was something that needed to be done? Something so important it could not wait. Mr. McCoy told me he always tried to see the good in people no matter what. I think I often try to do that as well. I have heard it called having crystal eyes. Eyes as good as diamonds but the curse is seeing everything as if it were just as good as diamonds. By now, you all know what I am talking about so if you're tired of the same problem manifesting itself in different forms, feel free to tune out now.

 If you have not, then imagine this: there is what you consider a big problem that you see everyday. At times, all you think about is correcting it, it is like an Adrian Monk complex. Therefore, you begin to attempt to make change. It’s one of the hardest things you have ever had to do in you life. Sometimes the student is unresponsive, other times it seems like a burden you are unfit to handle. Nevertheless, even with all the hurdles you continuously have to jump you cannot stop. Because you feel like this has to be done and no time is better than the present. SNCC members use to say “If not you then Who, If not now then When.” So you try, try and try again. Sometimes with great avail and at times, you think this might work. Your co-workers rain you with acclaim and urge you to go on and the look in the student’s eyes begs you not to give up on him. At other times, you feel like you’re in this alone. Things take a turn for the worst. Something the both of you have been working so hard to get to suddenly falls through and you feel as though you stand alone. The royal “perk up” from some random person comes and everyone is quick to tell you, you did your best or keep it up. “He’s improving some.” is my favorite. So you start over and prepare for next time, which everyone assures you will come. But that’s not why you keep going. You keep going because you go to his school and watch him play Crispus Attucks very well and Mr. McCoy tells you that one day, when you were not there he asked him if he learned anything today and the student said “yea, from Chris,” then proceeded to dictate what you had told him just hours earlier with great understanding. Or because his teacher comes up to you and tells you how good a job he did in a program reciting one of your poems you weren’t there to see. At those times, the light shines and you feel great.

 However, for every moment like that there is another, where he is rightfully being scolded or lectured. Then the cycle starts over again. This has been my life for all too long. However, as I enter the second day of writing this blog entry I have a new hope I did not have yesterday, a new idea, another chance, the one hundred third times a charm. Even still, I persevere. Often times angry at the situation, or the environment that allows these things to happen, but most of all angry at him for not listening, or more often not doing. But even angrily, you PERSEVERE!

 

  Chris Perkins

 

Lost

Dear Diary,

       

    This week has been an eye opener. One of the biggest problems in our community is that young people give up on their education. I have expressed my dislike for this many times. But recently my dislike of this has been awakened again. Not by the scores of students I see daily sleeping in class but by a student I know.

        I met this younger student once last semester. He was really bright and seamed like a nice kid. We never really became close but we new other just enough to say hi and I tried to encourage him to spend his time wisely. One day a friend told me that not only was he into drugs but he sold them. I was shocked! All of a sudden I was bombarded with thoughts of astonishment and overwhelming anger. I thought this is where it happens. This is where students get lost. In ninth grade when they get mixed up in drugs and sex and lose their lives to it, that’s why I call it being lost. This is where all the juniors and seniors who are failing and dropping out of school start to turn their backs on education. This is where all the qualities I hate to see in young men develop and they become lost. This is what I am trying to save Mr. Wilson from. I still can't help but think why, and I may never know that, aside from being cool or fitting in. But now I know when. And that's even scarier.

Truth

Dear Diary,

This week has been one of truth. 8 blogs and 4 months ago I started writing this blog because I thought it was a cool way to get things off my chest. Now I've grown to like doing it.

Recently I was told that I have a following now. People who actually like reading what I write. Who Knew! But what was even more socking was the reason this following keeps following. "Because you tell the truth," I was told. "Some people are afraid to do that." I never realized that just telling the truth could turn my ordinary life and seemingly trivial problems into something worth reading about. It makes me wonder what to write about next. What does my following want to read about next?

Interestingly enough the only reason I feel I can be so open is because most of you I know I will never meet. I find its much harder to pour out my soul to people I'll see tomorrow. The mystery is part of what keeps me honest blog after blog. My friends don't even read it! Not knowing, not having to face the truth outside of me is why I'm honest. The blog is like my journal, my place where I can express my thoughts, my problems, my self to myself and the unknown. So my following seams nonexistent and it seams I'm alone. Then my honest nature comes out. Because it is So much easier to be honest to yourself.

Chris Perkins